| it's been an age |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|11:42 pm] |
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| |  contemplative | ] |
i don't know if anyone reads this still but i suppose that's not always why i write.
Nino and i got back together by the end of september...Ooo...i almost made a decision and stuck to it.
instead i faltered for the comfort and got sucked right back into promises and unfilled wishes.
needless to say we broke up, nearly a year later...today to be exact.
he's pretty much the most negative person i've ever met and i just kept thinking if i could be positive enough for the both of us he'd snap out of it eventually.
But that's not the case.
this time i mean though. this time i'm cutting him off completely. i don't want to see him at all if it's possible.
i just couldn't keep him from letting the little things from getting him down and on top of that responsibility i toppled on a bunch more to try and make things easier for him.
that was my mistake and my fault in all this. I made things too easy for him and in the end he needed more time to realize all my effort wasn't too wait on him hand and foot but instead to recuperate him back into the world after so many bad things had happened to him. it backfired.
so neither of us is blameless, but i do believe i'm better off in the long run.
i can't run myself into the ground to continue building him up.
i'm sorry for that Nino. i'm pretty sure you don't read this but just in case. |
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| finality |
[Nov. 19th, 2008|11:25 am] |
Nino's (non)ex wife had the baby yesterday.
I knew it was coming, but had never put much thought into how it would make me feel
what a wake up call
I love him, but I can no longer hang on to this or him.
He's a great guy under all the problems. And he's trying really hard to fix himself, but he needs to do it for himself and his kids. Not me.
I should've sought out that answer sooner, but I have it now and all I can do from here is start over again.
He gave me a proper good bye, without fighting or blaming. That has helped immensely. |
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| hmm |
[Nov. 15th, 2008|09:32 pm] |
i'm still a little miffed about the anonymous comments left on my last entry. If only because like I said...I hate being a failure or an annoyance to anyone and I like to try and fix my mistakes.
I can't do that when this person won't tell me who they are.
I threw around a few text messages because not many people I actually know and consider friends read this. But it did me no good. Everyone had no idea what I was talking about.
it's just kind of aggravating but it seems I just have to grit my teeth and bare the fact that i can't please everybody and that everyone has the right to hold a certain opinion about me. so whatever I suppose.
To that person in particular whoever you may be: I'm sorry I haven't lived up to your expectations, and to be honest I don't know that I ever will. I have a hard time really depending on anyone who might actually continually be there for me. I do push people away. I know that. And though I regret it...until I can really get a handle on myself, no one else will ever really be able to handle me. I don't hold that against anyone but myself. We've all got our faults and our issues that need to be solved. And one day I might get a handle on mine. If you choose to stick around, then I appreciate the company, the advice, the everything you probably provide for me. But if you don't, i won't be upset with you. I make my own bed. And I'll lie in it when the time comes. |
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| Q & A |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|11:20 am] |
So Nino & I almost made it seven months. With some ridiculous amount of drama and arguments and issues. There's a chance we may get back together. He fully believes in that...I am sort of believing in it. I want to be with him, don't get me wrong. But he's got a list of things that need to be taken care of before we'd ever be able to settle into a stable relationship. and after 7 months of an unstable one? I'd just much rather be single till he gets his shit together. He knows what I'd like to see from him and he says he's going to do it...I'm just sitting back and crossing my fingers, but not letting my hopes get to high. We've had a rollercoaster of relationship and breaking up with him was my cue to get off. So I'm trying the distance thing. He's not making it easy, but I am going to stand my ground on this.
well actually I'm gonna start seeing my friends more. Almost all of my friendships suffered because of this relationship. And I take the blame for that. I gave nino top priority in my life and that just wasn't fair or right to any single one of my friends. I became that girl that I never wanted to be. I mean putting him above some people, yeah of course. But I pretty much cut out all social interaction outside of seeing his friends or seeing him. And that just wasn't right.
I'm in school, gotta play catch up. Because I got sick and stayed home from school for nearly two weeks. So I missed a nice chunk of classes. But now that I'm not worried how Nino will react if I'm at school all day, I can stay here and buckle down and do what needs to be done.
I'm coming back into my own I suppose. I lost myself for a while there. It wasn't healthy, but whatever, I'm doing what I can to heal.
I've been working at the Casino since early June. SO it'll be five months...tomorrow actually! woot! It's a bit tedious, but i like it nonetheless. They gave me full time but not until last month, so now it's like my hours get reset and I have to wait 90 days to start earning sick time and my health benefits. Kind of a pain in the ass but I'll have them and that's better than nothing.
I'm really worried about living alone...I've never done this before. But it's about damn time I suppose. I think it's a big part in my maturing further. I hope anyway.
hmmm...i suppose that's about it.
mental wise?
I'm fairly healthy. The seasonal depression is starting to set in, but insofar it comes and goes. The weather hasn't been completely gray yet and the temperature has had it's warm spots too. Those two things when completely gray and cold tend to speed up my emotional break downs. Overall...I still think I need to get into therapy and as soon as my health insurance kicks in I plan on doing so. Talking is never a bad thing.
Find me if you want to. I work a lot and go to school when I'm not at work but Friday nights & saturday nights I'm up for some adventures and wednesday after 12 i'm free from both work and school. So get in touch. |
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| these breaks are like when your newspaper subscription gets cancelled |
[May. 14th, 2008|10:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
It's been nearly two months since I've updated...
Had some ups and some downs
Still have my own place with my roommate. Things are kinda wierd there, but it is what it is and I'm still paying my bills so it's fine.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, who is not the same one I had been posting about before. His name is Nino, he's 23 and pretty much the best thing to have happened to me in a long time. We've had a few differences but in the end I've fallen heels over head for this boy and I couldn't be happier about that. I see a future that looks quite happy and comfortable and that is really all I could ask for.
I'm currently working front desk at the Best Western Summit Inn on the blvd. I've also FINALLY got hired at the casino. Still in the process of the actual hiring, but at this point it's just formalities before my first day.
I'm happy and calm and excited and good.
Going back to school come the fall, and just kinda cruising along until then.
Any questions, comments or other further inquiries, just give me a heads up. =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|04:05 pm] |
I didn't want it to come to this.
I've been fighting it for six years possibly seven. And I've done okay. Breakdowns and scars aside.
But I think I've just been stubborn. I think it's time to admit that I can't do this my way. Unfortunately.
I feel the best I have in months...and from what? A tiny little pill that has taken the edge off, but still let me be myself. gave me a real nights rest, and a day without wanting to cry.
It's time. |
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| hmm. |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|01:23 pm] |
I have my own place! I mean, shit, after 13 months...I have a bedroom! haha.
Granted I still need a bed, this slow-leak air mattress is just not cutting it, but I'm just excited to be out.
However not all is well.
I lost my job last Thursday. So a week ago now. I haven't filed for unemployment, haven't really looked for jobs. I've sulked, drank, smoked, slept...I had to deal with it that way first.
The boyfriend thing is going well. He's a nice guy, fun to spend time with, and we seem to click. It's not anything entirely serious. I mean, we're mutually exclusive, that much we've decided. But he seems unwilling to let me meet his mom, and to be honest, that totally bothers me. He's met my mom, sister, friends...so when is it my turn? I know, I know, I push and he'll go away...so I'm not pushing. I'm just letting this be, letting things happen and fall as they may.
I don't enjoy being broke. at all. |
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| change of plans. again. |
[Jan. 21st, 2008|02:27 am] |
So i started to feel a little funny about the moving thing. A little unsure.
Because it turns out I have some pretty amazing friends here, who've expressed missing me a bunch.
and regardless of the bullshit I have to deal with concerning my stepmom...I can't leave my little brother and sister that way. I mean I know I said I was going to live for me and it was something that would be good for me. BUT...just knowing what they are dealing with and how unfair it is, I want to be able to be around so when my sister needs a ride, or my brother wants to jam with my biological dad... that I can make that happen. anything to make it at least bearable under that roof.
so along came the doubts. of how I would deal with living with my best friend. who i love dearly don't get me wrong. we've grown up and apart and back together again over the course of eight almost nine years. But we aggrevate eachother, we really do. And she has the baby, who is adorable but a total handful and I don't want to be a mother figure/live in aunt. not yet.
and suddenly I'm getting a callback from the Casino about my application I put in back in November. It's really what I was waiting for. A better job with better people and clientle. I have an interview on tuesday and I am absolutely stoked about it. It will be the main reason I'm staying. It's a little more money which will make getting either a bigger place with my mom and sister or getting my own place more of a possibility. and it'll be a better schedule seeing as it's for a position as a receptionist for the Spa, which is only open from 7am till 8pm. no 2am work nights, or 530am opens. And i'm totally available for whatever hours since i'm taking the semester off of school. I know i sound like I already have the job, but i kinda sorta do. My mom works up there and has been talking to her boss about me non stop. I'm all sorts of available and i'm a quick learner with two and half years of customer service to take from. i should get it.
and other things have been happening. like my not partying so much. I had one night last week with some drinks but it was with family and it was innocent and fun. I don't really remember the last time i smoked which is a good thing since I felt like I was doing that too much. My depression seems to have broken a little too. Which is a relief. it was becoming slightly debilitating. i'm not crying as much as I was and I've been in rather good spirits lately. I've been making time for friends and not staying so hibernated.
and yeah i guess I can admit...I met a boy. I feel so silly saying it, because it shouldn't be such a factor in my happiness. it really shouldn't. But it's still nice. To feel attracted to someone and have them return those affections. He says little things that I find to be completely melt-worthy in their sweetness and which i think he doesn't even realise. His name is Doug, he just moved back to town from Vegas. He seems really driven to do something with his future and i like that a lot. We like similar music and he knows a lot more music than I do, which is nice because I'm hearing new things. and he's a complete sarcastic fool...which really runs right in line with me. I think we're dating...I mean we've seen a lot of eachother lately, and it's nice because it's not awkward or forced. it's just comfortable.
so i guess i'm not skipping town anytime soon. guess i'm gonna stick this town out and see what happens. we'll see. |
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| More decisions |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|02:04 pm] |
I'm giving myself about a month, a little less depending on how often I can work.
Then it's time to clean out my car which really highly sorely needs to be done, and then to pack it full and head on out.
Salamanca seems like the best place for me right now. It's a small town and I'm moving in with a best friend of mine. She has a baby, so I can help out with Holden and give her a break once in a while and I'll have responsibilities.
Here the temptation to go out and drink...among other things...is too strong. The people I know are outlets for that kind of lifestyle. And i mean a drink or two...hey that's fine. But drinking to excess, not so fine. Going out whenever I have a day off, staying up till 3, 4 or 5 am...I'm not happy with it.
2008, a year of change, or so I can hope. we'll see. |
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| I am |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|04:34 pm] |
Giving up on school for a semester.
I can't handle the pressure anymore. I am an emotional wreck. I need this break.
I'm even considering moving away again. Back down to the middle of nowhere that we know as Salamanca.
I need a change of scenery. I need to get myself back on track.
I've already told my advisor at school and taken care of that. And I've told my mom. She's a little disappointed, but said it's not the end of the world.
Now I have to tell my "Uncle" who runs my Dad's estate. I have to tell my stepparents because they might still have me on their insurance and I need to get that figured out for numerous reasons.
None of the moving stuff will happen till at least february. I need to make some money first. And I need time to find a job downthere if that's where I end up.
anyway. just things i thought you all should know. |
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| Brand New/Mewithoutyou/Thrice |
[Dec. 15th, 2007|03:45 pm] |
Oh My.
So I like that I haven't seen Brand New in a little over four years, so I got these tickets back in August, that's how excited I was about it.
They killed it.
everything about their set was just on. And it was about the music, not the stage. And that's what I love to see. A real love for the music. a passion. And they've got it.
They played mostly off 'Devil' and a few songs from 'Deja', one off of 'Your Favorite Weapon', I think. I'm in post concert haze. I've slept a good ten hours and showered and I still feel like I could pass out again. I was up against the guard rail the entire show. My arms over the top, so I've got bruises under my arms the seize of florida. haha. And i think some internal brusing on my sternum from like I said being pushed against the guard rail all night,
but the man-voice i have from singing/screaming and the overall bodyache is well worth it. yay for a good show. yay for an amazing band.
yay for a stellar way to end 2007. |
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| thank you |
[Dec. 7th, 2007|01:31 pm] |
seeing summer faces in the winter makes my day a little easier to get through. for the record.
Overall, I'm pretty stressed out. I've got two weeks of school left. (and about 5 weeks of work to do. haha.) I had my trip down to Tennessee to meet the boy I had been talking to. We had a great weekend and I was sad to leave, but now things are getting tough. He's not been feeling very well, and we haven't been talking as much (read as: at all, for a week) It's driving me a bit up the wall. And not making the sad days any easier
I'm still extremely unhappy with my job. which by the way I have to be at in less than a half hour. (day shifts aren't so bad though)
I don't know what's going on really. I've been talking to a few people...and honestly? The cold, the gray skies, the lack of overall energy...it's seasonal. It's this weather, and this time of year that just absolutely breaks me down. And i hate that. I hate that i can't control it.
I've had an extremely emotional week. I wake up, I'm fine, I feel okay...and sometimes that lasts all day. Sometimes. But mostly by mid-afternoon...early evening, something sets in. I feel like all I want is to not be alone, but that I can't be around people either. It's starting to kind of freak me out, to be honest.
But I'm sure I'll survive. I always do. A little more worn down, but I always make it through. Let's just hope something goes right soon.
(oh man, I get to go see Brand New next friday. I guess that's something to look forward to. I'm excited!!) |
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| never put all your chickens in one basket |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|12:16 pm] |
SO...i had the interview AND
didn't get hired.
The position I applied for unfortunately I was underqualified for. So they were just going to hire me as a CSR agent, but training starts either next week monday (which i'm already scheduled for at the farms, and i refuse to just leave a job. I do things the right way, two weeks notice, etc) or daytime training on December 3rd. I go to school daytime. monday through thursday.
So there goes that opportunity out the freakin' window. I didn't mean to have such high hopes for this but i'm so deperate for a little change, something new to learn and master. So desperate to get away from the ignorant fools who make up most of the customer base at the store. I've got a select few customers who I love to death, you know? They really make my day by coming in on my shift. But last night I had to deal with someone who couldn't count past 2 apparently. I mean...come the eff on.
bah i need ice cream. |
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| just so you know |
[Nov. 7th, 2007|03:58 pm] |
I am still around. promise.
Actually i got my hours really cut at work. I have mondays/fridays/saturdays off, pretty much every week for the last month or so. it sucked at first because my checks reflect this, but i'm okay with it now.
WHY?
cause I got myself an interview at teletech. It's pretty much in the bag, or so everyone keeps telling me. I figure I'll do the part time thing, four days a week (32 hours hopefully) and their hiring payrate for the position is pretty posh (compared to my current 7.15 an hour)
Other than that? Went out to dinner with Allan again, 'twas nice. We went to that nifty little mexican place they put in on the Blvd, and talked some. I'm so glad to be learning who he is, it's all very interesting. I don't think we'll ever be like father and daughter...not really anyway, but I like the idea of us being friends...of him knowing who I am and vice versa. We owe that much to ourselves.
I leave for Tennessee in two weeks. Flying down to meet this boy I've been talking to. If it sounds crazy to you, that's probably because it is. But hey it seems worth the shot. I mean it should be fun. and hopefully it is everything him and I want it to be. we shall see.
I've not been sleeping well lately. I wake up and my back is just shot...no idea why. My mom says I need to stop sleeping on my stomach and that will help. but the thing is? i start off the night on my side and wake up on my stomach anyway. But i've been tossing and turning a lot. it's not good. I enjoy my sleep far too much to be having a problem with it. heh.
Um...yeah so...free time? i have some. call me if you wanna hang out. |
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| oh work how i hate thee |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|09:32 am] |
still at wilson farms. still cashing out annoying drunks and crackheads. still getting hit on when i decide to do my hair and make-up before work. still having my hours fucked with because my boss must think it's funny to watch me make ends meet on a check worth 160$ if I'm lucky.
I need a new job, but admittedly i'm scared. I've been with wilson farms for two years. i know the routine, I know the bosses, I know my co-workers. I get away with murder for the most part and they don't mind the piercing or the constant hair changes. Starting a new job means so many things...and I guess I'm just not sure I can handle it all. New bosses, new enviroment, new things to learn.
Again it's that thing where change and I have a hate/love relationship. I'd love to get into a new company, meet new people, have a new experience, but I just don't want to start all over again. walking contradiction. always have been.
Otherwise.
school is...boring me. Which means i'm not exactly keeping up. Keep my attention, and I'll do you're work...lose it and I slack off. not smart, but seems inevitably poart of who I am. But I'll figure out something soon. I hope.
Things with my stepparents are back to being civil, which is all I can really ask for. Things with my real mom are better, and once again I've got my mom on the ball about looking for a 3bdrm apartment because seriously folks, I've been sleeping on the couch or in her bed for...10 months. can you blame my need for some flippin' space? Things with my biological dad are stellar. I should call him this weekend. We've been out twice, once for coffee and once for dinner. Talked each time for about three hours. It's incredible getting to know him, and seeing so many similarities between him and i that I can't even begin to explain. Weird but incredible. heh.
I've taken a break from local romance. which is fine because I've barely got the time for me these days. I have been talking to a boy who lives in tennessee for a little over a month now. Considering something there, we're gonna meet at thanksgiving and if all goes well see eachother at New Years' as well. I'm kinda crossing my fingers for this one, He seems to be pretty close to exactly what I've been waiting for. Don't get me wrong, I've got only realistic hopes...I promise. But hey it's nice to think about it working out.
that's all for now, *gasp* i can't believe I just wrote a real update. haha |
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| tans are overrated |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|12:07 am] |
I dyed my hair again.
It might just be an addiction.
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| looky here |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|01:05 am] |
So I've been feeling cute lately. so sue me.
what wonders a new lipstick can do. haha.
I was never such a girly girl before. How lame. |
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| September is a birthday month |
[Sep. 7th, 2007|12:21 pm] |
first let me congratulate today's gentleman
Happy Birthday Aaron!!! Westinghouse
Hope you have a good one.
And then...well then I can tell you ALL the other birthdays that are coming up this month
My brother Vince(the 9th), My twin seperated at birth best friend Melizzah(the 11th), My other brother Kenny (the 11th), My stepbrother Dylan (the 11th), And half the Steinbroner Clan (Stanley, Joey, Uncle John)...and those are just the ones I can remember. heh. Craziness.
On another note: I start school wednesday, but I promise I am NOT going to disappear from the face of the earth...just call me...and leave annoying badgering messages if you have to. |
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