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Just Another Cycle, Keep Pedalling, You'll get there. [Apr. 5th, 2016|12:10 pm]

I'm tired.
I wrote this story before it wrote itself.
I thought "tread lightly" and was chastised for doing so.
I tried to point out the red flags
You tried bleaching the color out.
You have expectations, ideas about how your ideal relationship will work out.
I don't have an ideal anymore.
Everything i've ever chased has slipped through my fingertips.
I don't want that to be the case with you.
I never wanted that to be the way things went down.
I'm not a nervous wreck exactly.
But i'm melancholy as a motherfucker.
I feel like I have helped you...I feel like you have told me i've helped you.
So why do I feel so god damn useless and helpless right now?
This is how codependency works.
I find a way to be a positive addition to your life.
I deem myself worthy of your time and affection and care.
Then things get rearranged and I can't handle it.
I want explanations.
I want reasons.
I need a map or a blueprint or schematics...or something.
Navigation is not my strong point
Right and left elude me.
It's like twilight in the forest and my range of visibility is failing by the second.
I love you.
But the struggle to be happy with myself while I love you is directly connected with your happiness with yourself and me and the life you've entangled yourself in by being with me.
So when your body language and your facial expression and the weight of your dissatisfaction is so easy to read....
What am I to do?
Because you wanting/needing/loving me is a drug.
And I am the worst at withdrawal.
At least tell me you're going away if that's how this plays out.
I just need a warning.
My battlements are not reinforced. I was busy merry-making in the main hall. If this is a call to arms, don't ride in silently.
I deserve more than that.
I deserve your honesty.
You begged for it from me.
Don't you let me face this blindly.
Don't make this my sole fault.
Be who you've professed.
Not like the rest.
I'm struggling to breathe
Taunting me is of no help.

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You Don't Get to Take it Back [Jan. 14th, 2016|05:42 pm]
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On again, off again.
Moody, critical, sensitive, and overly intellectual.
But I made excuses for you over and over.
I read beyond what you said and interpreted what I thought you meant.
So much effort for so little acceptance.
It was unfair.
And I didn't want to admit that.
But even your apologies are loose and meaningless when you assert a lack of falsity.
I don't want to be anxious about you, or us or where we stand.
I don't want to feel inadequate, or like a disappointment.
I don't want to chase you anymore.
So I said we needed to stop trying.
Now today you call with curiosity to what I want or need from you.
Too late.
I deserve better from myself than to think I should have to earn your love.
I am already enough.
I can become more, and I will.
But not for you. Or the reasons you believe I should.

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This isn't make believe, we aren't children. [Jan. 11th, 2016|11:49 am]
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I close my eyes when the words pass his lips; a sigh, a grin & I open them to him admiring my curls and face.
"Sorry, I just needed a moment to enjoy that" and I did.
I've had forever promised to me before. I've promised forever to others as well. He knows that, he feels it in my unpracticed distance.
It's not that I don't trust you.
I hope you understand that.
My dedication is not in question, nor is yours.
I believe you when you tell me I'm the best thing to have happened to you.
I know i'm the first to not force you into categories.
You're the first to break down my fears regarding intimacy.
I love the way your eyes dance when you look at me.
You seem to see right into every thing i've ever tried to hide.
Thank you for looking.

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Distances travelled; miles beyond miles left to go. [Jan. 5th, 2016|08:58 am]
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My son stands in the pale white light streaming in from a frosted window, pretending that his painted rocks are being attacked and I chuckle.
He's going to be five in 3 months and 4 days.
How is that possible?
What is time?
It's moments slipped through fingertips when I am not paying attention.
I've been absent minded so often, I just never saw this coming.
My life has changed, again and again.
Are you surprised?
I'm not.
Transition is my way of life. Change is my only constant and I am perfectly okay with that.
Even in that, I find myself standing as someone else's rock.
I love to be depended on.
I just hope that I've picked the right place this time.
I feel at home again.
Liked, even.
Four months have gone by and I don't find myself making lists of reasons to stay (and for once it's because it doesn't make sense to me to leave)
Yet another version of me.
I feel like I know myself...as much as I can.
I trust me. I know i'm trying.
I am not my depression, I am not my past, I am not my mistakes. I am not the pain given to me.
I'm just me.

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I don't think anyone reads this... [Sep. 14th, 2010|11:54 am]
Except maybe nikki, and that might not even be true.

Newest update?

After reaching 150lbs, i started feeling nauseous and tired all the time, and I didn't know what to do.

then I missed my period.

So I reach my goal weight and like all miracles happen...completely unexpected but I am pregnant!

Baby has a due date of 3/25/2011. Also...Sean & I have decided to get married. :)

I'm finally going to have the family I've always wanted. Me, my significant other and my first child :)

Things are a little stressful right now. My car got totaled. so I got a nice pay out from the insurance company and I am currently looking into a new car. I want an SUV but not a big huge monster one. Just something simple, but that sits higher off of the ground than a car. My grand prix got crushed...I can't chance that same incident with a babe in the backseat!

My job is seasonal, which I had hoped this entire summer something would change that. So I'm a half a week away from being unemployed :( I've been frantically putting in resume's with any office job I can find an advertisement for, but to no avail. I don't know. I'm probably going to end up working in the mall :( in retail no less :( But a job is a job and it's not about me anymore. It's about making sure Sean and I can provide a good life for our baby and his baby too (Lilah).

More than ever what I've realized is that it is time for me to grow up. I've been barely hanging on for way too long now. Time to plant my feet and make an effort at a real life. No excuses, no pity. Just get shit done!

If by some odd chance someone I actually know still reads this...keep it quiet. Not everyone knows yet. Thank you.
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seven years later [Jul. 29th, 2010|11:45 am]
or about that anyway.
I haven't posted in forever.
Nino and I went back and forth until March of this year.
Finally had enough of promises that kept being broken.
He's not a bad person, he just doesn't know how to be continuously good.
But we stopped talking pretty much completely, which helped me get over him

I ran into a friend i met back in middle school. His name is Sean Eldridge and we've been officially dating for just over two months now, but we've been seeing each other since mid-April.I am ultra pleased with this development. He's both mature and silly. He's progressive and gives a shit about the world we live in. He has a daughter named Lilah Anne, who is just about the cutest little girl I've ever met. We have similar tastes in music, which is always a bonus.

We actually just moved in together. I know it seems like a rash decision, but we both needed our own space pretty badly and since we spend pretty much all our time together, it only made sense to move in with each other rather than waste too much money on separate abodes. It's working out well.

This romance is different. It feels more adult. I'm not rushing into feeling everything too soon. I'm just spending time with him, learning who he is and letting him find out who I am. I have a lot of hope for us. Time shall tell.

Working as an office girl for Cataract Tours and Sightseeing. I was a tour guide last summer and the start of this summer but I need to get my CDL license if I want to keep doing that and it seems a task I'm not quite ready for yet. The money is good. I mean it's enough, it's not great.

I'm down to a 153lbs! which is the lightest i've been since I was 16 probably. That's wild to me. and I'm excited about it. I feel pretty. I don't wear make-up hardly at all and I've stopped straightening my hair. It's nice to feel beautiful and know that's natural. :)

There's a lot more to say but I AM at work, so I suppose I should leave it for now. I don't think anyone even visits LJ anymore...but on the off chance that someone I know reads this...HI!
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it's been an age [Nov. 20th, 2009|11:42 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

i don't know if anyone reads this still but i suppose that's not always why i write.

Nino and i got back together by the end of september...Ooo...i almost made a decision and stuck to it.

instead i faltered for the comfort and got sucked right back into promises and unfilled wishes.

needless to say we broke up, nearly a year later...today to be exact.

he's pretty much the most negative person i've ever met and i just kept thinking if i could be positive enough for the both of us he'd snap out of it eventually.

But that's not the case.

this time i mean though. this time i'm cutting him off completely. i don't want to see him at all if it's possible.

i just couldn't keep him from letting the little things from getting him down and on top of that responsibility i toppled on a bunch more to try and make things easier for him.

that was my mistake and my fault in all this. I made things too easy for him and in the end he needed more time to realize all my effort wasn't too wait on him hand and foot but instead to recuperate him back into the world after so many bad things had happened to him. it backfired.

so neither of us is blameless, but i do believe i'm better off in the long run.

i can't run myself into the ground to continue building him up.

i'm sorry for that Nino. i'm pretty sure you don't read this but just in case.
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finality [Nov. 19th, 2008|11:25 am]
Nino's (non)ex wife had the baby yesterday.

I knew it was coming, but had never put much thought into how it would make me feel

what a wake up call

I love him, but I can no longer hang on to this or him.

He's a great guy under all the problems. And he's trying really hard to fix himself, but he needs to do it for himself and his kids. Not me.

I should've sought out that answer sooner, but I have it now and all I can do from here is start over again.

He gave me a proper good bye, without fighting or blaming. That has helped immensely.
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hmm [Nov. 15th, 2008|09:32 pm]
i'm still a little miffed about the anonymous comments left on my last entry. If only because like I said...I hate being a failure or an annoyance to anyone and I like to try and fix my mistakes.

I can't do that when this person won't tell me who they are.

I threw around a few text messages because not many people I actually know and consider friends read this. But it did me no good. Everyone had no idea what I was talking about.

it's just kind of aggravating but it seems I just have to grit my teeth and bare the fact that i can't please everybody and that everyone has the right to hold a certain opinion about me. so whatever I suppose.

To that person in particular whoever you may be: I'm sorry I haven't lived up to your expectations, and to be honest I don't know that I ever will. I have a hard time really depending on anyone who might actually continually be there for me. I do push people away. I know that. And though I regret it...until I can really get a handle on myself, no one else will ever really be able to handle me. I don't hold that against anyone but myself. We've all got our faults and our issues that need to be solved. And one day I might get a handle on mine. If you choose to stick around, then I appreciate the company, the advice, the everything you probably provide for me. But if you don't, i won't be upset with you. I make my own bed. And I'll lie in it when the time comes.
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Q & A [Nov. 3rd, 2008|11:20 am]
So Nino & I almost made it seven months. With some ridiculous amount of drama and arguments and issues. There's a chance we may get back together. He fully believes in that...I am sort of believing in it. I want to be with him, don't get me wrong. But he's got a list of things that need to be taken care of before we'd ever be able to settle into a stable relationship. and after 7 months of an unstable one? I'd just much rather be single till he gets his shit together. He knows what I'd like to see from him and he says he's going to do it...I'm just sitting back and crossing my fingers, but not letting my hopes get to high. We've had a rollercoaster of relationship and breaking up with him was my cue to get off. So I'm trying the distance thing. He's not making it easy, but I am going to stand my ground on this.

well actually I'm gonna start seeing my friends more. Almost all of my friendships suffered because of this relationship. And I take the blame for that. I gave nino top priority in my life and that just wasn't fair or right to any single one of my friends. I became that girl that I never wanted to be. I mean putting him above some people, yeah of course. But I pretty much cut out all social interaction outside of seeing his friends or seeing him. And that just wasn't right.

I'm in school, gotta play catch up. Because I got sick and stayed home from school for nearly two weeks. So I missed a nice chunk of classes. But now that I'm not worried how Nino will react if I'm at school all day, I can stay here and buckle down and do what needs to be done.

I'm coming back into my own I suppose. I lost myself for a while there. It wasn't healthy, but whatever, I'm doing what I can to heal.

I've been working at the Casino since early June. SO it'll be five months...tomorrow actually! woot! It's a bit tedious, but i like it nonetheless. They gave me full time but not until last month, so now it's like my hours get reset and I have to wait 90 days to start earning sick time and my health benefits. Kind of a pain in the ass but I'll have them and that's better than nothing.

I'm really worried about living alone...I've never done this before. But it's about damn time I suppose. I think it's a big part in my maturing further. I hope anyway.

hmmm...i suppose that's about it.

mental wise?

I'm fairly healthy. The seasonal depression is starting to set in, but insofar it comes and goes. The weather hasn't been completely gray yet and the temperature has had it's warm spots too. Those two things when completely gray and cold tend to speed up my emotional break downs. Overall...I still think I need to get into therapy and as soon as my health insurance kicks in I plan on doing so. Talking is never a bad thing.

Find me if you want to. I work a lot and go to school when I'm not at work but Friday nights & saturday nights I'm up for some adventures and wednesday after 12 i'm free from both work and school. So get in touch.
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