|Q & A
||[Nov. 3rd, 2008|11:20 am]
So Nino & I almost made it seven months. With some ridiculous amount of drama and arguments and issues. There's a chance we may get back together. He fully believes in that...I am sort of believing in it. I want to be with him, don't get me wrong. But he's got a list of things that need to be taken care of before we'd ever be able to settle into a stable relationship. and after 7 months of an unstable one? I'd just much rather be single till he gets his shit together. He knows what I'd like to see from him and he says he's going to do it...I'm just sitting back and crossing my fingers, but not letting my hopes get to high. We've had a rollercoaster of relationship and breaking up with him was my cue to get off. So I'm trying the distance thing. He's not making it easy, but I am going to stand my ground on this.|
well actually I'm gonna start seeing my friends more. Almost all of my friendships suffered because of this relationship. And I take the blame for that. I gave nino top priority in my life and that just wasn't fair or right to any single one of my friends. I became that girl that I never wanted to be. I mean putting him above some people, yeah of course. But I pretty much cut out all social interaction outside of seeing his friends or seeing him. And that just wasn't right.
I'm in school, gotta play catch up. Because I got sick and stayed home from school for nearly two weeks. So I missed a nice chunk of classes. But now that I'm not worried how Nino will react if I'm at school all day, I can stay here and buckle down and do what needs to be done.
I'm coming back into my own I suppose. I lost myself for a while there. It wasn't healthy, but whatever, I'm doing what I can to heal.
I've been working at the Casino since early June. SO it'll be five months...tomorrow actually! woot! It's a bit tedious, but i like it nonetheless. They gave me full time but not until last month, so now it's like my hours get reset and I have to wait 90 days to start earning sick time and my health benefits. Kind of a pain in the ass but I'll have them and that's better than nothing.
I'm really worried about living alone...I've never done this before. But it's about damn time I suppose. I think it's a big part in my maturing further. I hope anyway.
hmmm...i suppose that's about it.
I'm fairly healthy. The seasonal depression is starting to set in, but insofar it comes and goes. The weather hasn't been completely gray yet and the temperature has had it's warm spots too. Those two things when completely gray and cold tend to speed up my emotional break downs. Overall...I still think I need to get into therapy and as soon as my health insurance kicks in I plan on doing so. Talking is never a bad thing.
Find me if you want to. I work a lot and go to school when I'm not at work but Friday nights & saturday nights I'm up for some adventures and wednesday after 12 i'm free from both work and school. So get in touch.
Oh my darling, are you ok? You sound like you are coping remarkably well and I am pleased for that. I am thinking of you. x
2008-11-12 12:03 am (UTC)
its sad that it took a break up to have this divine intervention. and it seems like thats how it always is with you. ive tried and tried to say maybe it will be better next time around but you always do the same thing with the same apology and stay the same person, one i cant rely on unless its good for you. im sure the same thing will happen again, i hope it doesnt for the people who still have hope that it wont.
A dissapointed friend.
then don't be my friend.
listen i've got my issues. and I've accepted that.
there are things I need to work on and I need to grow up. You think I don't know that?
I know I wrap myself up in my relationships. I'm dependent and needy. And to be honest I don't know how else to be. Independence scares the shit out of me. Being alone makes me feel like shit. Maybe it's because that's how my mother was...maybe it's because I lost my dad at a young age. Maybe it's because I've had to always do shit on my own even when it seems I have a family or a boyfriend to rely on...because something goes wrong and they fail me too.
Nice that you can't just tell me who you are. Cause to be honest...I hate being a pain in the ass or a disappointment to anyone. So really? Like I said in the beginning...just don't bother. This isn't a defense mechanism or a pity party. This is me telling you...no matter who you are to just give up on me already...it's better than hanging on and waiting for a change. I'm sure your other friends are much better than I am anyway.
2008-11-12 06:44 pm (UTC)
i know you know you have issues and need to grow up a bit you make it very clear but never seem to do anything about it. this has nothing to do with comparisons to other friends, this has to do with you and i didnt post anonymously to start shit, i did because i want to decide if its worth bothering without starting world war 3. your neediness and dependancy has nothing to do with your dad or your mom. it may stem from it but we all make our own decisions and the reason ive stayed friends with you instead of just not botherinmg is becasue i know you know better. you dont just wrap yourself up in relatiosnhips you wrap yourself up in you which is good to a point but you have to know where to draw the line. start leaning back on your friends a little moree, start getting a good balance is all im saying. your a good person but your goling to push people away taht you want around.