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Just Another Cycle, Keep Pedalling, You'll get there. - In the mood for exploration [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Mally

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Just Another Cycle, Keep Pedalling, You'll get there. [Apr. 5th, 2016|12:10 pm]
Mally

I'm tired.
Frustrated.
I wrote this story before it wrote itself.
I thought "tread lightly" and was chastised for doing so.
I tried to point out the red flags
You tried bleaching the color out.
You have expectations, ideas about how your ideal relationship will work out.
I don't have an ideal anymore.
Everything i've ever chased has slipped through my fingertips.
I don't want that to be the case with you.
I never wanted that to be the way things went down.
I'm not a nervous wreck exactly.
But i'm melancholy as a motherfucker.
I feel like I have helped you...I feel like you have told me i've helped you.
So why do I feel so god damn useless and helpless right now?
This is how codependency works.
I find a way to be a positive addition to your life.
I deem myself worthy of your time and affection and care.
Then things get rearranged and I can't handle it.
I want explanations.
I want reasons.
I need a map or a blueprint or schematics...or something.
Navigation is not my strong point
Right and left elude me.
It's like twilight in the forest and my range of visibility is failing by the second.
I love you.
But the struggle to be happy with myself while I love you is directly connected with your happiness with yourself and me and the life you've entangled yourself in by being with me.
So when your body language and your facial expression and the weight of your dissatisfaction is so easy to read....
What am I to do?
Spiral.
Because you wanting/needing/loving me is a drug.
And I am the worst at withdrawal.
At least tell me you're going away if that's how this plays out.
I just need a warning.
My battlements are not reinforced. I was busy merry-making in the main hall. If this is a call to arms, don't ride in silently.
I deserve more than that.
I deserve your honesty.
You begged for it from me.
Don't you let me face this blindly.
Don't make this my sole fault.
Be who you've professed.
Not like the rest.
I'm struggling to breathe
Taunting me is of no help.

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