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these breaks are like when your newspaper subscription gets cancelled [May. 14th, 2008|10:27 pm]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]

It's been nearly two months since I've updated...

Had some ups and some downs

Still have my own place with my roommate. Things are kinda wierd there, but it is what it is and I'm still paying my bills so it's fine.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, who is not the same one I had been posting about before. His name is Nino, he's 23 and pretty much the best thing to have happened to me in a long time. We've had a few differences but in the end I've fallen heels over head for this boy and I couldn't be happier about that. I see a future that looks quite happy and comfortable and that is really all I could ask for.

I'm currently working front desk at the Best Western Summit Inn on the blvd. I've also FINALLY got hired at the casino. Still in the process of the actual hiring, but at this point it's just formalities before my first day.

I'm happy and calm and excited and good.

Going back to school come the fall, and just kinda cruising along until then.

Any questions, comments or other further inquiries, just give me a heads up. =)
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Voice Post [Mar. 23rd, 2008|03:20 am]
607K 3:14
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(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2008|04:05 pm]
I didn't want it to come to this.

I've been fighting it for six years possibly seven. And I've done okay. Breakdowns and scars aside.

But I think I've just been stubborn. I think it's time to admit that I can't do this my way. Unfortunately.

I feel the best I have in months...and from what? A tiny little pill that has taken the edge off, but still let me be myself. gave me a real nights rest, and a day without wanting to cry.

It's time.
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hmm. [Mar. 7th, 2008|01:23 pm]
I have my own place! I mean, shit, after 13 months...I have a bedroom! haha.

Granted I still need a bed, this slow-leak air mattress is just not cutting it, but I'm just excited to be out.

However not all is well.

I lost my job last Thursday. So a week ago now. I haven't filed for unemployment, haven't really looked for jobs. I've sulked, drank, smoked, slept...I had to deal with it that way first.

The boyfriend thing is going well. He's a nice guy, fun to spend time with, and we seem to click. It's not anything entirely serious. I mean, we're mutually exclusive, that much we've decided. But he seems unwilling to let me meet his mom, and to be honest, that totally bothers me. He's met my mom, sister, friends...so when is it my turn? I know, I know, I push and he'll go away...so I'm not pushing. I'm just letting this be, letting things happen and fall as they may.

I don't enjoy being broke. at all.
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change of plans. again. [Jan. 21st, 2008|02:27 am]
So i started to feel a little funny about the moving thing. A little unsure.

Because it turns out I have some pretty amazing friends here, who've expressed missing me a bunch.

and regardless of the bullshit I have to deal with concerning my stepmom...I can't leave my little brother and sister that way. I mean I know I said I was going to live for me and it was something that would be good for me. BUT...just knowing what they are dealing with and how unfair it is, I want to be able to be around so when my sister needs a ride, or my brother wants to jam with my biological dad... that I can make that happen. anything to make it at least bearable under that roof.

so along came the doubts. of how I would deal with living with my best friend. who i love dearly don't get me wrong. we've grown up and apart and back together again over the course of eight almost nine years. But we aggrevate eachother, we really do. And she has the baby, who is adorable but a total handful and I don't want to be a mother figure/live in aunt. not yet.

and suddenly I'm getting a callback from the Casino about my application I put in back in November. It's really what I was waiting for. A better job with better people and clientle. I have an interview on tuesday and I am absolutely stoked about it. It will be the main reason I'm staying. It's a little more money which will make getting either a bigger place with my mom and sister or getting my own place more of a possibility. and it'll be a better schedule seeing as it's for a position as a receptionist for the Spa, which is only open from 7am till 8pm. no 2am work nights, or 530am opens. And i'm totally available for whatever hours since i'm taking the semester off of school. I know i sound like I already have the job, but i kinda sorta do. My mom works up there and has been talking to her boss about me non stop. I'm all sorts of available and i'm a quick learner with two and half years of customer service to take from. i should get it.

and other things have been happening. like my not partying so much. I had one night last week with some drinks but it was with family and it was innocent and fun. I don't really remember the last time i smoked which is a good thing since I felt like I was doing that too much. My depression seems to have broken a little too. Which is a relief. it was becoming slightly debilitating. i'm not crying as much as I was and I've been in rather good spirits lately. I've been making time for friends and not staying so hibernated.

and yeah i guess I can admit...I met a boy. I feel so silly saying it, because it shouldn't be such a factor in my happiness. it really shouldn't. But it's still nice. To feel attracted to someone and have them return those affections. He says little things that I find to be completely melt-worthy in their sweetness and which i think he doesn't even realise. His name is Doug, he just moved back to town from Vegas. He seems really driven to do something with his future and i like that a lot. We like similar music and he knows a lot more music than I do, which is nice because I'm hearing new things. and he's a complete sarcastic fool...which really runs right in line with me. I think we're dating...I mean we've seen a lot of eachother lately, and it's nice because it's not awkward or forced. it's just comfortable.

so i guess i'm not skipping town anytime soon. guess i'm gonna stick this town out and see what happens. we'll see.
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More decisions [Jan. 9th, 2008|02:04 pm]
I'm giving myself about a month, a little less depending on how often I can work.

Then it's time to clean out my car which really highly sorely needs to be done, and then to pack it full and head on out.

Salamanca seems like the best place for me right now. It's a small town and I'm moving in with a best friend of mine. She has a baby, so I can help out with Holden and give her a break once in a while and I'll have responsibilities.

Here the temptation to go out and drink...among other things...is too strong. The people I know are outlets for that kind of lifestyle. And i mean a drink or two...hey that's fine. But drinking to excess, not so fine. Going out whenever I have a day off, staying up till 3, 4 or 5 am...I'm not happy with it.

2008, a year of change, or so I can hope. we'll see.
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I am [Dec. 19th, 2007|04:34 pm]
Giving up on school for a semester.

I can't handle the pressure anymore. I am an emotional wreck. I need this break.

I'm even considering moving away again. Back down to the middle of nowhere that we know as Salamanca.

I need a change of scenery. I need to get myself back on track.

I've already told my advisor at school and taken care of that. And I've told my mom. She's a little disappointed, but said it's not the end of the world.

Now I have to tell my "Uncle" who runs my Dad's estate. I have to tell my stepparents because they might still have me on their insurance and I need to get that figured out for numerous reasons.

None of the moving stuff will happen till at least february. I need to make some money first. And I need time to find a job downthere if that's where I end up.

anyway. just things i thought you all should know.
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Brand New/Mewithoutyou/Thrice [Dec. 15th, 2007|03:45 pm]
Oh My.

So I like that I haven't seen Brand New in a little over four years, so I got these tickets back in August, that's how excited I was about it.

They killed it.

everything about their set was just on. And it was about the music, not the stage. And that's what I love to see. A real love for the music. a passion. And they've got it.

They played mostly off 'Devil' and a few songs from 'Deja', one off of 'Your Favorite Weapon', I think. I'm in post concert haze. I've slept a good ten hours and showered and I still feel like I could pass out again. I was up against the guard rail the entire show. My arms over the top, so I've got bruises under my arms the seize of florida. haha. And i think some internal brusing on my sternum from like I said being pushed against the guard rail all night,

but the man-voice i have from singing/screaming and the overall bodyache is well worth it. yay for a good show. yay for an amazing band.

yay for a stellar way to end 2007.
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thank you [Dec. 7th, 2007|01:31 pm]
seeing summer faces in the winter makes my day a little easier to get through. for the record.

Overall, I'm pretty stressed out. I've got two weeks of school left. (and about 5 weeks of work to do. haha.) I had my trip down to Tennessee to meet the boy I had been talking to. We had a great weekend and I was sad to leave, but now things are getting tough. He's not been feeling very well, and we haven't been talking as much (read as: at all, for a week) It's driving me a bit up the wall. And not making the sad days any easier

I'm still extremely unhappy with my job. which by the way I have to be at in less than a half hour. (day shifts aren't so bad though)

I don't know what's going on really. I've been talking to a few people...and honestly? The cold, the gray skies, the lack of overall energy...it's seasonal. It's this weather, and this time of year that just absolutely breaks me down. And i hate that. I hate that i can't control it.

I've had an extremely emotional week. I wake up, I'm fine, I feel okay...and sometimes that lasts all day. Sometimes. But mostly by mid-afternoon...early evening, something sets in. I feel like all I want is to not be alone, but that I can't be around people either. It's starting to kind of freak me out, to be honest.

But I'm sure I'll survive. I always do. A little more worn down, but I always make it through. Let's just hope something goes right soon.

(oh man, I get to go see Brand New next friday. I guess that's something to look forward to. I'm excited!!)
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never put all your chickens in one basket [Nov. 9th, 2007|12:16 pm]
SO...i had the interview AND

didn't get hired.

The position I applied for unfortunately I was underqualified for. So they were just going to hire me as a CSR agent, but training starts either next week monday (which i'm already scheduled for at the farms, and i refuse to just leave a job. I do things the right way, two weeks notice, etc) or daytime training on December 3rd. I go to school daytime. monday through thursday.

So there goes that opportunity out the freakin' window. I didn't mean to have such high hopes for this but i'm so deperate for a little change, something new to learn and master. So desperate to get away from the ignorant fools who make up most of the customer base at the store. I've got a select few customers who I love to death, you know? They really make my day by coming in on my shift. But last night I had to deal with someone who couldn't count past 2 apparently. I mean...come the eff on.

bah i need ice cream.
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